It has taken me a month and a half to be able to have the headspace to even attempt to or want to write a blog again. Then it took another 2.5 weeks for me to sit down to write it. Then the minute I did Mr. Parker decided he wanted to be held and sit with me. So here we are, trying to sneak in sentences, with one hand, while holding a baby who is trying to push out a poop. #momlife
This is a nice little visual of what it’s like being a mom. Doing things for yourself takes the backseat. Most of what you think about and care about is your child. Everything takes 10x longer to get done than it did before. There are lots of poops, pukes, giggles, wiggles, and whines. But my god it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was always really excited to become a mom and for Parker to make his way into our world. But being my first baby, I still didn’t truly know what to expect. I thought I was going to be able to mentally physically and emotionally bounce back. Get my pre-baby body back immediately, jump right back into work and blogging, and not be emotionally altered by any of it. It was really cute, positive, hopeful, and determined thinking on my part. But the reality of it is that none of that happened.
Those things didn’t happen because I had no idea what becoming a mom would do to me. How much it would change me emotionally, physically, and mentally.
When Parker was first born it was not like a lightning bolt of love and euphoria struck through me like I imagined it would. I got a c-section, so when I first heard him cry I started crying because my first thought was “thank god he is okay”. Then I just wanted him as close to me as humanly possible. But there were no lightning bolts. When we finally went to our rooms and I was in my bed staring at him in the dark through his plastic bassinet my next thought was, “F*** we have a baby now. We gotta take care of that thing.”
Then as the days went by my love for him continued to grow. It started with the intense desire and need to take care of him to make sure he was safe and held. Then that desire to take care of him slowly turned into a full-blown obsession. Every look he made, every wiggle, fart, and then laugh was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. Even if he did just look like an alien baby.
Slowly became the center of my world. I always want to be close to him and will drop everything I am doing to make him happy.
And it’s not that I wasn’t expecting that to be the case, I know how much moms and dads sacrifice for their children, I just didn’t know what that would FEEL like. I didn’t know his happiness would be all I wanted now… Now all I want and care about is that he is safe, healthy, and happy. All I want to do is spend time with him and watch him as he sleeps or play with him when he is awake. The goals and dreams I thought I had for the year and my life just don’t feel as important anymore. They turned into nice to haves versus must-haves. THAT is what I wasn’t expecting.
I wasn’t expecting to look at these major goals and dreams I have and think, “I would rather just sit and stare at my son right now”. I don’t want to make the call, write the blog, do the workout, or do that thing that’s been sitting on my to-do list. I just want to be with him.
Of course, there is little time to do those things now anyway. In between pumps, feedings, changes, bounces, and playtime, I was shocked at how little time left there was in a day to do anything else without a helping hand. But the time that is left, I want to be taken by him.
And I wouldn’t trade being a mom and having Parker as my son for anything in the world. Even the nights when he is screaming and won’t stop, the fussy outings during the day, and the pure exhaustion that comes with it all, I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.
A candidate told me before having Parker, “You can never imagine how difficult it is to be a parent until you are there, but you also can’t begin to imagine the amount of love you will feel and how much that outweighs the hard stuff. It’s just the best.” He was right, I could have never expected what it would feel like or how much it would change me. But all for the better.
Becoming a mom has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Every day I am grateful that I now get the title of, “mom” and I get to be Parker’s. He brings me so much joy, and every day is filled with a love I could never have imagined.
If you are reading this and you are a mom, thank you for all that you do and have sacrificed to raise your baby(ies), I see you. If you are reading this and you are a mom-to-be, I am so incredibly excited for you and the new adventure that awaits, it’s the best one I have ever been on. If you are not a mom and have no desire to be one ever or yet, just give your mom and dad a hug. Tell them you love them because that’s all they care about, you are the center of their world.
Thanks for sticking with me on this journey. I can’t wait to see what this new chapter unfolds. 🙂
Big love to you all,